Where Memories Meet the Holidays: Navigating Grief with Care

When the Holidays Don’t Feel Merry

In our society the holiday is portrayed as a time of joy, warmth, and togetherness, but for many that isn’t the case. This time of year can bring along a complicated mix of emotions. When you are grieving the twinkling lights can feel too bright, the celebrations can be too loud, and the constant reminder to “be merry” can seem overwhelming. 

If you are experiencing loss and grief, whether recent or long-standing, know that it is valid to feel out of sync and detached to the world around you. You are not alone. 

Why Grief Feels Heavier This Time of Year

Through memories and traditions grief has a way of resurfacing throughout the holiday season. Songs, smells, and things can bring back emotions and the season’s expectation can heighten those memories and emotions.

This grief can be for someone who has passed or for family you no longer speak with. Both are valid and the emotions are just as important and real. Things like neurodiversity and mental health issues can have different effects on grief. There is no wrong or right way to grieve. 

Q&A

To help put this into a more human perspective here are some questions and answers from people who have experienced/are experiencing grief.

Question 1: How did your neurodivergence affect your grief?

Person 1 Answer: Honestly, the hardest part of grief is the lack of feeling, at least in the short term. I see everyone around me in such pain, but honestly, I feel numb to the grief. Some days, I feel bad that I don't feel bad. It's not really that different from having someone that lives a long distance away, only now I can't ever contact them again. After the dead are buried, I still get feelings similar to that of people I know. Things normalize, but occasionally I just get this wave of sorrow when something reminds me of the person.

Person 2 Answer: At first grief hits me like a freight train and I feel all of it then I kind of go numb to it. But, every time something makes me think of that person I have this wave of grief that takes over. Also whenever I lose someone else all of the grief that I have ever felt comes back. My grief is very much like an out of sight out of mind kind of thing until something makes me think of it.

Person 3 Answer:  I often experience object permanence when it comes to grief until I have a trigger associated with a memory of that person. It's usually a phrase, a song, or a particular food that reminds me of them. When that happens, the feelings can hit pretty hard and quickly but (a blessing in disguise) my attention often jumps to something else quickly when I'm with other people.

Question 2: How do you (or Do you) honor the loss each year?

Person 1 Answer: I usually set out an extra plate of food as an offering for the dead. I usually speak a few words, picture their faces, hear their voices in my mind, and light a candle.

Person 2 Answer: I set out a plate and talk about them, memories that bring me joy.

Person 3 Answer: I usually play that person's favorite song or watch their favorite movie as a tribute. Sometimes I cook their favorite food and offer the first piece to their spirit (a spiritual habit of mine). Usually, I honor them by keeping the memory of them alive through recreating shared moments together.

Question 3: Was your family member(s) heavily involved with this holiday?

Person 1 Answer: Christmas was the holiday where everyone came together. This is also the season where I've lost the most close family members. They were all pretty heavily involved when Christmastime came around.

Person 2 Answer: For many of the family members I have lost, Christmas time was the only time I saw them because they lived so far away.

Person 3 Answer: My family members were often involved in different areas of the holiday. One would emphasize cooking and decorating, one for wrapping and passing around presents while caroling and telling stories, etc. There was a mixture of their involvement that made the entire holiday in different ways.

Question 4: How did you (or do you) process your grief?

Person 1 Answer: Honestly, I think a lot of my seasonal depression is a lot of that grief coming back. Grief never goes away fully. It's like a bodily injury that leaves you with chronic pain. With time and support, the pain can become lesser over time, but even then, most days are good, some days are bad, and a few are unbearable without a specific reason why. I just keep talking about it with people who are still here. That's really all you can do, until you don't have to any more.

Person 2 Answer: I talk to those around me and allow myself to feel the feelings in my body. I take time to be gentle with myself and do things I like. 

Person 3 Answer: I usually have really big feelings initially closer to the initial loss before feeling smaller twinges of sadness. I've experienced a lot of loss in my life since my father passed away when I was 5, so I've kind of gotten used to the long-term effects of grief, but the initial heaviness of the loss is something that I still struggle with. Being around people I'm close to and trust significantly help, especially the ones who can understand and just let you cry as much as you need to without judgement.

Question 5: What would you say to the person you lost if they were in their chair?

Person 1 Answer: How much I miss them, that I love them, and just talk about things. Life, old memories, just simple things that you talk to family members about.

Person 2 Answer: I would tell them how much I loved them and how much they shaped who I am today. I would tell my Grammy my name and why I chose it. I would tell her my husband is taking very good care of me just like she asked.

Person 3 Answer: I would probably thank one for trying to keep everyone's spirits light, even in the darkest times (both of the year and of the emotionally-heavy life moments). For other member(s) who I've had a complicated relationship with, I would probably express my pent up feelings of frustration as a form of closure. What can I say except that emotions are complicated.

How to Care for Yourself This Holiday Season

Letting Go of Holiday Pressure

Be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t handle this year. Give yourself grace to do less if you need to whether that is not going to a celebration or only staying for a short time.

Honoring the Past While Creating New Traditions

Sometimes continuing the traditions you had with someone can feel painful. Remember you can start new traditions that feel right to you. Some examples are:

• Light a candle in your loved one’s honor.

• Cook one of their favorite dishes.

• Donate or volunteer in their memory.

• Start a new tradition that reflects where you are now.

New traditions are not meant to replace the old ones, they are there to give you the space to honor and grieve.

Setting Boundaries to Stay Grounded

Setting and sticking to boundaries is not rude, it is self-respect. You do not have to attend every event or even respond to every invitation. Some ways you can respond are:

• “Thank you for thinking of me. I may need to leave early.”

• “I appreciate the invite, but I’m keeping things quiet this year.”

Plan ahead to make yourself feel more comfortable by driving yourself and seeking out a quiet place to decompress. 

You Don’t Have to Grieve Alone

Talking with others can make everything feel less heavy. This could be a close friend, family member, or a support group.

You don't have to carry all the weight by yourself.

Finding Joy Without Feeling Guilty

Remember that even though you are dealing with a loss you are still allowed to feel joy. Finding moments, small or unexpected, where you truly smile are healthy. Let yourself have these moments. It does not mean you have forgotten it just means you are doing the complicated work of healing.

Common Holiday Triggers—and What to Do About Them

“I feel guilty for not being festive.”

Remind yourself that grief and joy can coexist. You’re not obligated to perform happiness.

“I compare myself to others.”

Remember that holiday images are often curated and unrealistic. Your journey is uniquely yours.

“Certain songs, smells, or traditions trigger me.”

You can take breaks, step aside, or change the environment when needed. Triggers don’t mean you’re failing—they’re normal parts of grief.

Knowing When You Might Need Extra Support

If you start feeling like the grief is overwhelmingly heavy, affects your ability to function in your everyday life, or is making you feel constantly hopeless or isolated you can seek out a mental health professional. They can offer support and structure and give you the tools you need to continue on your healing journey.

A Gentle Reminder for This Season

Even though it feels hard there is no right way to handle grief. We feel it differently and at a different pace. 

You are allowed to slow down.

You are allowed to feel what you feel.

You are allowed to experience your journey in your own way.

Healing is not linear but it is possible. Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best.

If you want more information on things like neurodiversity and grief or grief of people who are still alive look out for our future blog posts. Remember to subscribe to our blogs. We post a new one twice a month.